| cabin fever. |
[28 Nov 2009|12:19am] |
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i have h1n1. swine flu. influenza a. whatever, i've got it. and it sucks. i was stuck in this house alone for thanksgiving because i was too sick to drive home and no one wants to be around h1n1, so boredom and loneliness has crept in. no work until monday. nothing. i'm sure my ass will be imprinted into the couch by the time i'm over it all. my roommate basically has to stay away because his home is a den of swine flu. gross. i need human contact before i go insane.
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| 88 weeks. |
[25 Oct 2009|11:48pm] |
i last updated this journal 88 weeks ago. i actually forgot i had it. then for some reason tonight i remembered it, and once again spent forever trying to remember my username and password. sweet.
i don't even know what i'm doing writing in an online journal. i'm the most boring person i know, but i really enjoy reading things i've written on here in the past, so maybe someday in the future i'll enjoy reading what i'm writing now.
i'm 27. plus five days. nothing is different, as usual. i moved from madison to terre haute, then from terre haute to clinton, and now, probably by the end of this month, meaning within the next 6 days, i'll be moving back to terre haute. i hate moving. really, really hate it. i've also given up on art completely. i love art, but it's not what i should be doing. at least, not as some kind of career option, because that is not possible. now i think i'm a writer who's writing a screenplay. oh well, in a few years i'll move on to something else. at least i have a day job.
speaking of my day job, meaning my afternoon to night job, it's pretty okay. this is the first time in a long time that i pretty much like my job. and, when i went to a psychic like a year ago, she told me caregiving was what i'm meant to do. so basically, i'm doing what i'm supposed to. though i don't intend to do it forever.
alright, i'm too sleepy to function any longer. time to put away the computer, turn on something that i've dvr'd recently, and fall asleep on the couch.
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| i thought it was a turkey. |
[04 Feb 2008|01:55am] |
so, one of my new years resolutions was to give up on people who are not nice to me. and when i made that resolution, i was thinking specifically about one person, the same person i lived with for a time who treated me like shit and who i always let back into my life even when i knew i shouldn't.
well, i believe i've finally completed my resolution. actually i did a week or so ago, but today i think it was the end. his exact text message to me said "you suck balls."
i was kind of glad he would say such a thing to me, because it made me realize that he's lame. i don't like to think of myself as someone who would ever be friends with someone who seriously said things like "you suck balls." and mind you, he's twenty nine years old. at twenty-five, i feel like i've got more maturity than he'll ever be capable of.
dunzo.
and because i'm bored, really bored, i'm posting a random survey.
1.Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
my imagination.
2. Your boss tells you they will give you a $20/hr raise if you will do your job naked, do you?
if it wouldn't be completely wrong to do my job naked, i totally would.
3. Your boy/girlfriends ex calls and needs a tire change, do you let them go help?
i'm flying solo so i don't know. probably.
4. Ever seen a ghost?
not seen, but heard.
5. Do you love anyone?
i love a lot of people.
6. A reason you would move to Iceland?
somehow they let bush have a third term.
7. A place you have lived that you miss?
paris. granted i only lived there a month, but i miss that time.
8. A person that you miss?
andrew.
9. A band/group you thought was cool when you were little?
new kids on the block.
10. You have a nightmare, who is the first person you think to tell?
probably lindsay.
11. Do you wanna have kids before you are 30?
at the moment, no, but i have five years to change my mind.
12. A memory from high school?
throwing trash out of michele's car while she drove it in circles in the parking lot.
13. Ever had a crush on one of your friends parents?
not that i can remember.
14. Silliest thing you have done?
i've done too many silly things to think of just one.
15. Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
my mom.
16. Something you have always wanted to do?
go to india.
17. If you could be with one person who would it be?
who knows.
18. Where you would like to be in 10 years?
far away. maybe out west. with a MFA.
19. Something you learned about life this year?
there are people who don't deserve me.
20. What do you want for your birthday?
for my credit card bills to disappear.
21. Have you said I love you to anyone today?
my cat.
22. Last item you bought yourself?
a card at bingo.
23. What did you have for breakfast?
i don't generally eat breakfast.
24. Name a celeb you think is hot?
gael garcia bernal.
25. What is your ring tone?
something dumb, except when certain people call me.
26. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
usually around 10ish. i genuinely believe that i can't function on less than ten hours.
27. Have you ever been tied up?
no.
28. What do you wish you were doing right now?
laughing with people.
29. Last time you witnessed a fight?
friday night outside of work.
30. What was the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
vodka.
31. Where do you rent your movies?
movie gallery.
32. Ever had a black eye?
nope.
33. Last people u went out with?
i haven't gone out with a group of people in forever.
34. Name three places you would like to travel to?
india (specifically kajuraho and agra), rome, and colorado.
35. Is there anyone you want to date at the moment?
no. i don't even see boys on a daily basis. dumb.
36. Favorite food?
lurton's cherry cheesecake.
37. Silk or lace?
lace.
38. Last board/card game you played?
mental floss.
39. What do you think of Brad Pitt?
he's overrated.
40. Name a friend you have the most in common with?
i have a lot in common with a lot of people.
41. What color are your toenails?
nude.
42. Last person you talked with on the phone?
missy.
43. Do you own anything with a skull on it?
probably.
44. Have you traveled to Europe?
yes.
45. Last movie you watched?
juno.
46. If you could be anything in the world what would it be?
an artist who actually works and makes money doing it.
47. Last sin committed?
apathy. not that it's a sin. but i consider it sucky.
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[25 Jan 2008|01:26am] |
i just wrote for probably fifteen minutes then decided to delete it all. what i was trying to say in a lot of words i can probably say in just a few:
i need a change of scenery.
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[09 Dec 2007|04:32pm] |
every year, without fail, when it becomes christmas season, i am sad. no idea why.
i don't like it.
all i want to do is be around people. all the time, constantly. not any people. not like people at walmart or something. i mean people who are my friends.
k. time to sleep. i worked on my weekend off, and i deserve a nap for that.
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[28 Nov 2007|08:04pm] |
today i am painting self portraits. well, kind of drawing, kind of painting. and actually, they're not even really self portraits. i tend to not care if anything i draw is realistic or proportional. i just like to let myself go. but i generally like the outcome anyway.
i'm bored, and this isn't really a post. it's just ramble.
i need to be less bored. that would make me less strange.
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[23 Nov 2007|03:33am] |
so, years ago in my conceptual art class, i was assigned a portrait without paint. i could make a self portrait or a portrait of someone else. being self indulgent, i chose a portrait of myself. although i completed the assignment, i have struggled and struggled with the term self portrait and how to create a definitive self portrait. i want to do it, and i feel like once i do it, i can do anything. which is ridiculous, but still how i feel.
tonight i was messing around on youtube, because that's what i do at three in the morning when i'm bored and can't sleep. and i found this project by this guy who has been taking a photograph a day of himself for eight years. he's still doing it, but after so long, he made it into a film like thing and put music to it. and it was amazing.
it's literal. and i'm not very literal. but it was amazingly literal. a self portrait a day. a photograph.
i was amazed. and am still amazed. i don't want to do that exact same thing. although it would be really interesting. but my digital camera is shitty and there is no way i would remember to take a photograph a day because i can barely even remember to brush my teeth every day. but it started a lot of brainstorming.
i thought, what if i wrote something every day. i keep a journal, but i don't write in it every day, and i barely even date when i write. what if i did? could that be a self portrait? what if i wrote a haiku a day, since i'm still on a haiku kick. no, that's kind of random and not really self portrait-ish. what if i drew something every day? what if i recorded myself talking once a day? none of these are things i think i would like to do as a real self portrait, but ideas, finally. finally i've seen something that inspires me to make art again. i cannot even understand.
i've missed it. i've missed it so bad. i've missed obsessively brainstorming and critiquing myself and pushing ideas around in my head. i've missed spending hours and hours making until i can barely even keep my head up. i am so happy that i watched this, because now maybe i can remember why i have a degree in art and used to think that there was nothing else in this world that i could do that would make me happy as making art does.
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[22 Nov 2007|02:32am] |
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p.s. i look at the clock and it's like midnight, and just the next second i glance down and it's two thirty. that hurts my feelings.
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| i haven't washed my hair in three days. |
[22 Nov 2007|01:40am] |
sometimes i just have so much to say that i don't even feel like saying it.
anyway, thanksgiving is tomorrow. well, technically today, but since i haven't slept yet, it's still tomorrow to me. i'm not excited. i don't love the holidays. i don't love going home and eating food and then coming back to my empty apartment. it seems no matter if i'm living with someone or not, during holidays, i'm alone in my apartment. which is one of my most hated things. at least this year i have toonces.
abbie invited me to thanksgiving at her house on saturday. that will be nice. and on sunday i'm going to go visit lindsay. that will be nice too. it's only been a week, but i miss her being here. i hope that she gets better really quick so that she can come home quick too.
i haven't done shit for my creative writing portfolio that's due on the third. i'm going to procrastinate, i know it, and end up having to write like fifty thousand poems on the sunday before my class. and i will be miserable about it too. but, i know it's going to happen, so i might as well enjoy the time before i have to write fifty thousand poems in one day.
i need to go to sleep. i have to get up early to head to thanksgiving at my parents house. i'm going to watch the holiday and depress myself to sleep, if that is possible to use as a verb.
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[13 Nov 2007|03:41pm] |
i'm boring.
for my creative writing class we have to write six haiku along one theme. i'm going to write mine on phases of the moon. i particularly like the blue moon, because i had no idea what a blue moon even was until today when i looked online to find out what the phases of the moon actually are. i will like to use the phrase once in a blue moon sometime soon.
nothing else really.
i want to go to sleep, considering it's almost 4am. but i've probably got another good hour to go before i'm tired. i hate that
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[10 Nov 2007|02:22am] |
yeah, it was 6:30am before i fell asleep last night.
wonderful.
i finally went to bingo tonight! yay. abbie and cassie came too. cassie won some money. i have her winning bingo card in my purse, and eventually i will move it onto the refrigerator, because it's awesome to win bingo and people need to be able to see that shit. i drew a penis on the back of one of the bingo cards with my dabber and this lady who was sitting near us looked over at me and said "i saw your drawing."
embarrassment. ha. i think she liked us anyway. we figured it was because we reminded her of her when she was younger. meaning she'll be what we'll be like when we're older. which is a woman at bingo with a purse full of dabbers and bingo cards scattered about on the table. that wouldn't be so horrible.
abbie and cassie also decided that i am going to be the cat lady, which obviously everyone already knows that, but that i will be the cat lady who goes to bingo, and perhaps even dies at bingo. hooray.
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[09 Nov 2007|02:29am] |
lately i haven't been able to fall asleep before maybe four or five in the morning. and then i've been waking up before my alarm even sounds. that's not like me. i used to have to be asleep by one or two. and i'd wake up when my alarm sounded, which would be at one or two in the afternoon, just enough time to take a shower, stop by the gas station for a polar pop, and get to work.
i don't know why things are different just these last few weeks.
last night as i was falling asleep (i'd say this was about four in the morning), i started having creepy dreams. not just creepy, actually kind of scary. i'd scare myself awake. i was falling asleep to the movie wedding crashers (since i don't have any form of cable or even basic channels at this apartment), and the movie wedding crashers isn't even remotely scary at all. but i would drift off, wake myself up from being so scared of what i was dreaming about, and the movie would be only like fifteen minutes or so from the part that i last remembered hearing or watching. so that was really confusing and creepy, because the dreams seemed to go on forever.
i didn't like that much.
i don't remember what it was that i was dreaming though. only that it was scary. really, really scary.
tomorrow i work with abbie. i'm glad. i really hope that we get to go to bingo. i do love bingo so. and i haven't been in forever. i miss seeing those crazy ladies with fifty cards in front of them and troll dolls and other good luck paraphernalia scattered about. and their bingo purses full of dabbers. i really enjoy that.
my stomach is twitching. i don't know if that's normal. usually it's my eye.
today the landlord showed up unexpectedly. i didn't answer his ring of the doorbell of course. i was too afraid he'd want to come inside the apartment and would discover toonces, our cat who is not allowed in this apartment owned by people who are not animal friendly. i don't care for him much, probably because i don't really care for many people who don't like animals, particularly cats. perhaps that is why i'm destined to be the cat lady. probably.
well, it is a quarter to three, and i'm actually kind of sleepy, so i'm going to try my luck and go to bed. maybe i'll actually fall asleep. if this lasts much longer, i think i'm going to have to go back to tylenol pm and finally get some rest.
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| crazed. |
[07 Nov 2007|12:49am] |
well, i am amazingly excited that i finally figured out my password to this site and can post a journal again!
i'll have more to say in the future. right now, i'm just so excited that i can type an entry that i'm not actually going to be able to type an entry.
random.
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[22 May 2006|12:01am] |
i am sick of madison. i have plans to move to savannah with a friend.
i'm interested in the savannah college of art and design. no idea why. savannah isn't a city i ever even considered. but now i am considering. the school can give me an mfa. and that's what i would like to have. and living isn't terribly expensive.
i really hope these plans do not fall through, because i need to leave. as long as i'm here i'm wasting my time.
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[17 Mar 2006|02:47pm] |
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i'm cleaning my house and listening to music. tomorrow i have to work 16 hours. and then the next day i have to work 16 hours. my weekends to work are not fun. it's alright though. i've started working on a new something, i'm not sure what it is yet. so far a mixture of poems/parts of stories and images. something about lonliness. it's still in its very very early stages, but, once it's done i'll start applying to exhibitions if i think it's good enough. and then hooray, i'll have something to show that i've done out of a school environment. woo.
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[16 Mar 2006|02:15pm] |
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haha, i'm back.
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[03 Jan 2006|05:20pm] |
it's been a really long time. nothing has changed.
i hear rumors of a 5 year class reunion for my high school. ridiculous. i have nothing to show for myself except a bachelors degree in something that appears to be getting me nowhere.
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[04 Jul 2005|08:58pm] |
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it's never a good idea for me to drink. we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp
4th of july
sat out on the hood with a couple of warm beers and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
and there was an exodus of birds from the trees
but they didnt know, we were only pretending
and the people all looked up and looked pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending
and i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think that love is like war
but i got a big hot cherry bomb, and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door
you can't leave me here
i've got your back now
you'd better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time
so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal
and did i tell you how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that i was finally free
and you can't leave me here
now that your back
you'd better stay this time
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time
we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp,
on the 4th of july
and i planted my dusty boots on the bumper and sat out on the hood,
and looked up at the sky
it amazes me how one minute can set you back three years.
fuck.
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[02 Jul 2005|11:44am] |
i love it when nights go from suck to awesome.
lindsay was unable to come to madison for the weekend, and i couldn't get ahold of anyone at all last night to go out with me, so i figured i was going to lay down on my couch, watch movies, and eat. but, just as i was beginning to do that, chaz calls, he's like "i'm in madison, i want to go out." this is why that boy is one of my favorite people. he always shows up when you least expect it and when you're having a terrible day.
so we went to joey's, where kendra and gunner were working. right before i was about to leave, kendra came over and asked if i saw kari over at the bar, and i didn't, so she and katie lewis were over there, and chaz and i started hanging out with them. we all went to shipleys, where gunner and kendra met us after they got off work. then we went to the broadway, where emily berry and alexis saba were. that was awesome. since i don't get called nicknames by anyone around here, it was nice to hear emily scream red at me. haha.
chaz told me that he felt dumb, but he had been watching informercials lately. i said, chaz, the magic bullet is amazing, have you seen it. and that was what he was about to tell me about, so we had a long conversation in the broadway about the magic bullet. people must have thought we were losers. haha.
well, i have to go try to sleep off this hangover i have, because jack and michelle are coming tonight, and we intend to get thoroughly wasted, and i need to be feeling good for that.
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[26 Jun 2005|07:12pm] |
so, after reading all my old diarys and going through every photo album that i have, i am sad. growing up sucks. i'm not in school anymore. i'll never have as much fun as i've had before. now i'm an adult. i have to work. i have responsibilities. it's ridiculous. being in school is probably the best thing in the world. fuck homework, it's easy compared to real life.
so, after realizing that my life is never going to be as fun as it was when i was in school, i have decided that graduate school, though i already knew i wanted to go, is a definite for me. hopefully next year. just as soon as possible. as soon as the lease on this apartment is up. and after graduate school, maybe i'll pick a discipline to get a ph.d. in. and then if there's any possible school beyond that, i'll do it. i have decided to stay in school for as long as possible.
defer the real world. that's the way to live.
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ambitiousbro's journal